I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.