I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You Might Also Like
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL