Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops