If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.