Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*