The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.