Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Do one person every day that scares you.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Cheer up.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault