I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)