I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
You Might Also Like
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”