we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
scared to check what name she chose
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
This was my dad’s browser history.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert