Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.