My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The glory of fall.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Just say no
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]