Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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Look at this
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.