Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Had an epiphany today.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
jeff bezos: i donβt like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earthβs resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! π€£π
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.