ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out