Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe