Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
next question.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Birds & Planes.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.