Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
me opening up to someone
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!