My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
You Might Also Like
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers