seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.