[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”