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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The USS B port