Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.