*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.