My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT