THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.