5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.