I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
So, can we agree on 4 or
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
giddy up Office Depot
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.