Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”