A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Boating season is upon us.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on