My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
The booster protects against what, now?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!