My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda