The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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*sewing*
A thread
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
This is my cat’s medicine.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Weighing up my bread heating options
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?