Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.