I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”