Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Super Hand Dog Face
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.