If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Haha good job!!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.