me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You Might Also Like
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.