God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Ugh
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Cat is stressing him out.
me refusing to leave twitter
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.