This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese