*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.