My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
an airline just for babies.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?