“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
getting corrected
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet