Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
You Might Also Like
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
She was REALLY feeling it.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh