People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me trying to walk in a dream
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why