[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.