Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.