Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Phones down.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard