Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
much to think about
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise