If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I was just discussing this with my cat
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
what?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.